There are storm clouds gathering.

There is evil at work in the land.

I hear of things that seemed real but were not real and I confess my mind is restless, uneasy. A trusted friend, a friend of good standing and with responsibilities in the land has told me what truly occurred, and I believe her. The note from another friend was just and right and did not seek to cause panic, but to make sure I sought the truth.

Yet I feel a strange ache grow in my fingertips. It creeps through my skin towards my veins and seeks to carry itself, coursing through my body, into my head and then to wrap around my heart.

That word…if….. is stamping it’s foot in the back of my mind, determined to be heard. The word…what…..seeks to join it. What if - the most dangerous question to ask.

And now even though I know it was not true - that it was evil and divisive and caused altercations and crossed words - the very work of one so evil I will not mention him here - I feel myself trembling. Please say it cannot be again - I have opened myself wide for a Dearest One to read as a book with pages that have not been read for many long years. They can read stories and my heart in a way none ever has. No - not ever. Not even in my dear past. But my pages are thin and fragile. Pages can be torn from books and cast against the winds to be lost and separated from their whole. I am so very frightened. I have known of late what it is to be truly happy and have started to relax. Is this the gods’ way of punishing me for my selfish indulgence in my own self? Their way of warning me that their path for me is to deal with pain and strife and to welcome it with tears and darkness in my soul? Truly I say that I could not bear that again. The clumsy love of youth, however sweet, is nothing to this consuming fire, this generous, open companionship I feel now. The gods know well the love I felt - and still do - I mourn him every day. It has taken me long to realise I should not be cursed or villified for being reborn from that tragedy.

I do not want to be alone Oh! My gods! I pray you will not take him from me now! If it is your will, then it is hard - I do not see how I can stay standing and serve you!

How I wish he were here to talk to. I know I must speak with him about this. And even of that I am afraid. Supposing I plant the very seed of doubt in him that I seek to shut out from my own mind? It matters not. I would share my soul with him - and that must be in its whole - not just the pieces that look best.

Fear - it is long since I felt it - truly felt it. I had forgotten how awful it is.

I was so very happy to share my training success - it made it more sweet!

As I thought - I can, even with the armour I have now (much to dear Richard’s disgust! reach places I have only heard whispered or spoken of with due dread. Verthedge - it is still too dangerous for me though with care, and in truth some luck, I can explore and see its wonders. For though it is dangerous, how could anyone not be in awe of such a place! What makes the creatures there so large - what makes life ooze from every shred of matter there? Beautiful in its terrible creation! Creatures of a magnitude I have never seen! It makes me rue laughing at the wolves in the forest so long ago when I first discovered that they were now afraid to go near me. Their giant cousins are a different pan of fried fish altogether! They are massive creatures - their backs bristling, their fangs huge and their paws able to crush the unwary in one swift stroke. There are hideous vultures sweeping the skies for carrion - which I would think they must have in plenty in this wild place. They are vicious and evil and have claws that would rip one apart in an instant. Even the plant life is to be feared in this place! They have thorns and claws to catch at any adventurer daring to go near! No - I have seen enough for now and satisfied my curiosity - perhaps, with the gods help, when I have worked enough to visit the trainer again and can wear the armour that dear Topaz gifted to me I can try again. The gods have taught me humility and I know now is not the time to wander Verthedge’s might.

The Eastern Mountain paths are something else though. I can walk with some degree of comfort there if I keep my wits about me. I made it unharmed to those great mysterious doors of Altitan once more….. I do not know what it is draws me to that place. It holds many mysteries and only the gods may truly know I suspect what it holds. Annia’s journals talk of myths pertaining to Rock Giants…..how I long to know! And it was wandering the mountains that I stumbled across somewhere precious, fragile almost and beautiful - though that will seem a strange way to describe it.

Strifegorge! My soul was lifted by it, me eyes in wonder from the sight of it, and my heart was moved by it. I had no idea of the location though I have seen often enough the beloved Iron Knights disappear in a flash of light to it. As I wandered up that narrow gorge in the mountains I had no idea it would lead to such a place. But suddenly, there it was. The courtyard of Strifegorge! I felt unworthy to stand in such a place but the Knights were so…amenable and so welcoming. They were of such stature - such natural presence I was lost for words. They were full of knowledge and wisdom and their eyes seemed to know the whole lands even at a glance at their faces. The place is old - very old - and has a tangible life almost - I felt if I listened carefully the very walls would tell me tales of old - tales of what the Knights went through and how they came to be here now. Respect is owed to that great place and its inhabitants by ancient rite. It felt a safe place, a….homely place: A place of learning and of comradeship. The tattered flags and banners do not seem shabby, but rather to have grown old gracefully. I felt I could not stay in such a place - a humble cleric with no business being there - and I stole away quietly but full of peace and with much to think on.

The evening ended at the Inn - tired from much battling on Kilican’s Eastern beach and exhausted from my ill-advised wandering in Verthedge, and then from long journeying through the mountains. I was delighted though to spend time talking to one who asked me something I have not considered for a long time. She seeks a sponsor for entering the Clerichood. I hope I did not offend her by laying out my reservations. It is such a huge responsibility and privilege and though I have seen her, I do not know her well. I tried to explain what being a cleric means to me and spoke with her long about her decision and how she had made it. I pondered and thought hard and prayed for guidance and I will be her sponsor. She will need patience for it will not be straight away even though she is ready to go to the Temple now. I pray for her decision and for the gods to guide her well.

So I rest - tired and fulfilled. As I re-read a letter my heart swells and I wonder how to bear so much happiness - I think I can. If I try!

What a marvellous, fulfilling, wonderful day!

I was almost glad to lose a battle in that dreadful place to get out of the mines: Such a relief in a way. I had toiled long and had wounds to tend and needed rest and to refresh my strength and so headed back to Dundee. While there I spent my time with friends old and new - a great blessing always - and in seeking out those new to the lands. I seem to get more pleasure from that than anything else at present - I am very glad of it! There was one young lady - Bryslee - who I shall watch with great interest. She reminds me so much of myself when I was younger. She is shy and seems to not understand why anyone would talk to her, never mind help her. I remember being so in awe of everything and everyone - so unsettled when I arrived: Still so wary of everyone around me. I knew it would be so given the circumstances of leaving my homeland. There were those who looked upon my face as yet another curiosity - another new initiate to need to look after and put up with. Then there were others - Lord Dagobert who welcomed me and eventually became my sponsor, and the dear Purazon - the first in the land I called friend and who helped me more than he could know way back then. Perhaps then my path was always fated, for here I am in the land, happy and able to assist those who come as I did a shadow of the person they will become. It is not just for my gods and to fulfil my life as a cleric I do these things, but to do honour to all those who have done them for me. By the time I went to rest, there she was, going to rest in the Queen’s garden with due respect and reverence for her surroundings and trained up 5 times already with good weapons and armour. Skyls and I took her shopping and I think we will both follow her progress with great interest. I believe she will be a great asset to the lands and will gain much from being here. Praise to the gods for showing her the way and may they guide her on her path!

The rest of the day I knew where my path led me indeed - straight back to those wretched mines. I knew it could not be long before I would have the trainer’s blessing and so longed to do justice to his previous lessons. Seeing Bryslee’s dogged determination and hard work inspired me I think and it seemed no time before I knew I could visit the trainer with some modicum of self respect and the hope he would accept me once again. Yet I also knew that I wanted to wait - not be impatient and share that moment with a dear friend. So I am content to wait until it can be so; I confess I wish it were soon!

And then to cement this wonderful day, I have been reminded of what true family and friends can be. What they are to us all even when we do not realise it. Topaz sent me a message and met me in Branishor with Wyf - a delight in itself to see those two together - so very happy - and both so dear to me as brothers and sisters of birth ever were or could be. A surprise she said and when she made me hold out my hands and close me eyes I could not imagine what it could be! Then the generosity and great nature of this gift became clear to me. I still cannot believe they would wish me to have something so precious! I now hold in my care a lesser amulet of the Order of Rynn - I hardly feel worthy of such a thing! And given with such love and kindness - was there ever one so lucky as to have family such as they?

Then at the end of the day another gift from a dear lady I am privileged to hold friend - I hold it precious to me as if it were the most expensive thing on earth - a silver ring engraved from Sorynn. We have talked long of late - how I long to also call her sister. The gods alone can know her path. I have placed it upon the chain around my neck with my friendship ring and the berry, now shrivelled away, but still beautiful to me.

So I rest at peace - memories of initiates, friends, family, and of course my dearest one to comfort me. The gods are good indeed.

Time spent at rest and in prayer - I felt renewed upon waking and with a fire in my belly to train and to fight the foul creatures that would block the will of the gods and seek to murder Valorn’s very soul. The gentle sight of a dearest friend at peaceful rest helped - I wish to bring about that time when it may ever be so that they rest untroubled by cares and strife. It was difficult to leave them, yet it does not do to forget one’s purpose. They have helped bring me back to what I am - a cleric at the service of the gods, the Queen and her lands. Why then would I be clinging to every moment - I do not feel the need to do so, for I know they will not vanish like mist. And why would I want to stifle that wonderful spirit that has so much to give to so many? No - they must have freedom to move and to breathe and to do what they must. To stand in the way of either would be to change who we are. So though I long for their company and cherish every moment, I will not grieve for time we cannot spend together. They are with me constantly in any case in my prayers and in my mind’s eye. May the Queen be ever protected by such as they.

So with a light heart and determined step along my firm path I headed back to these deep, dark places of the Eastern Mountains. I gripped my rapier, and my nerve, and hurled myself into this inky blackness. I would be lying if I said there was not a brief moment of terror, but my gods were with me and it was soon crushed. Many long marcs have I spent in this hellish place. The sound of rapier smashing against the stony creatures rings in my ears and around the corridors until my head hurts. My only fear is that I will have wakened something worse in the deep. My new gauntlets will show such a creature I am not weak! I will fight until my strength is spent, and then I will fight some more! So I have come to rest - I am too exhausted to move now. I have listened long in the dark and nothing stirs….for how long I do not know. But I hold a ring in my hand and my fingers closed tight about it give me comfort. I can see dear, dark eyes , a window to a dear soul. I pray to my gods to keep me safe…and now I will extinguish this dim light for I know anything will draw them in …. May Cory’s light be in my soul and Ben’s arm protect me…

There are such simple pleasures to be found in life.

A message or a smile from a friend, the cozy familarity of Urkki's good humour, the Crier telling us all is well, seeing a face you have not seen in such a long time (how full of joy I was to see dear Dagobert, my sponsor), to see an initiate go to the trainer with a look of determination on their face, and quiet time just reading in a quiet place to a dearest one who looks so tired..... and to watch them slip into sleep and see the cares fall from their face.

Life is very good.

To breathe the free air! To aid those in need and to go and clear out one of the darker places with vengeance! I went to my rest with thanks to my gods and at ease with myself.

After a little time catching up in the inn I spent my time as much as possible with those who had just arrived in the lands and it was a joy to see them approach the trainer and have him accept them for teaching and then to hear the crier shout their names. Each time it happens we are graced with someone stronger and better prepared for the fight and more certain on their path. And though I of course do not have the knowledge of Richard on such matters, or the wisdom of dear Purazon to advise, I gave what little help I could in terms of how to navigate and best arm for the fight in times ahead.

It was an exhausting day and I did not feel guilt at going back to the inn to recoup my strength. Richard was there and kind brother that he is he made me a draft using his tea and some other ingredients I did not ask too closely about! His herbal skills seem to match his tracking! Urkki arriving made me feel I should leave - I have great respect for the man and the cleric that he is but my presence always seems....unwelcome. He likes his peace and dislikes crowds I think and he took exception at my words - possibly by design rather than genuine umbrage - who knows! Whatever, I felt his time would be more pleasant without my interference and so revived, I went out to the wall.

One of the initiates I had helped had obviously been paying close attention to weapons and armour and asked about soul leech daggers. I explained their relative rarity and that a gift was the only likely way to procure one unless lucky enough to find one second hand. That, I am happy to say, seems rare now as most initiates are encouraged to pass on their gifts to help others in due course. This kind of ongoing support and aid is wonderful to see - the gods are surely better served when we all pull together and help each other? So I crept below into the blackness of their foul nest and ended my hunt with four daggers to pass on - may each one be blessed with being true of mark and each recipient have courage and be watched over by their gods.

I finished the day in a prolongued attack upon the foul beasts of the wastelands before going to dedicate myself to my gods in the Branishor temple and receiving dear Kathryn's healing touch. And so to rest with a light heart, a fulfilled soul and dreams of a dear face.

I walk with a satisfied feeling at last in my soul. Perhaps I have been selfish and ungrateful in not having done so for so long for the gods are great and good and bless us every day with their loving care. But during my time away I got to thinking that perhaps it is NOT ungrateful or selfish to want things for oneself. To serve the gods in the proper way the body and soul, heart and mind must be strong. Strong and willing and in every way willing and able to work hard. If the body is weak, the soul empty, the heart crying out or the mind troubled, then surely the whole person cannot serve Them as they should? No. I believe, and I think now know, that I walk with firm steps now. I breathe deeply and joyfully and fill my very soul with each breath. I am at peace. I am truly happy. I still cannot quite believe it, but I am truly happy. And this renewing of my soul leaves me with the desire to serve and work hard flowing through me. Gods be praised and their will forever be done!

The meeting happened while I was away - words of great wisdom as I would expect came from the one who needed to be asked. Words of caution, but also words of blessing and happiness. I know it was foolish to think that it would not be so, but this perfect feeling, that perfect soul seems so.......wonderful...... so underserved, that until I had the answer I have held my breath and tried to suspend my thoughts. Being away did make that easier.

And so I slip back into the old routine! But not the old routine! For each day now has purpose and direction and comfort. I read my messages with great joy today - every word a wonder. To have missed someone and to find you have been missed - how sweetly comfortable that feels. They have always had a busy life and now is no different - and I can wait and bear the parting quite happily. For I know that they will always be there at some time.

Home! Home and safe by the grace of the gods. How blessed I am and how much do I know it! I have not as yet managed to see many of my dear guild, but I long to! I missed them all so very much when I was away. I saw the footsteps of the one I long to see most of all on my return, but they had been called away to duties and I just missed them. Bitter sweet indeed! Yet it shows they are safe and well so even for that reassurance I thank the gods!

There is so much to say about my visit home - well to the land I hail from - so many........ emotions, thoughts, sorrows, gladness and things to think on long and hard. Certainly I feel it was worth going - I feel I have in some way vindicated my leaving and settled the reasons why. I am sad indeed that not all my kinfolk could see it - but the gods are with me and know my path better than I. Who am I to question these things?

I cannot wait to see that dearest soul and talk through everything - perhaps by now they will know the answer to another question. I dread the answer.... but whatever that answer is, it is the gods' will.

I slept with a peace I have not known in years. My dreams were sweet - of the wind and the mountains, of fresh grass and clean air. I have awoken refreshed and feeling as though I start life anew.

In the first moments of waking there was a passing shadow, a glimpse of past cares and worries - I was unsure as to whether what I believed had happened truly could had. In a state of sleepy wonder I quickly went to my pack and got out and re-read my letters. Then the memory of a meeting rushed before my eyes and I closed them in joy. It did happen. It was true! It IS true!

The letters that came and went in flurries yesterday were full of so much pent up emotion. The words were misunderstood until the last arrived and I read it. There could be no doubt. But still I could not believe it - I had to see for myself and know for sure.

So he came to me. I stood a long while in silence. We exchanged a few stilted words of greeting. I said I had received their letters….. they had received mine….. then all the world was gone. Shrunk away to leave just us. They strode across the room and in a burst of joy I felt their arms about me. They had to leave all too soon - I could have stayed forever, safe and warm, but it was not a painful parting - apart from the slight bruising where my armour crushed me! It was joyful disbelief I felt! What can I have done to have such happiness?

I ran to the mountains then - I climbed high and, on top of the world in all senses, I yelled joyous thanks to my gods and laughed until it hurt!

I cannot stop the smile upon my face - Several people have noticed and asked me why in curiosity. I answered honestly - my gods are good to me and my path is certain!

How I wish this joy could come to all! To rest again…..

And on waking?

To have it repeated! And to know it will continue to be so! How to bear such happiness as this?

My heart sang as I helped initiates today - I met a girl- a funny spiky thing! She did not seem too pleased with the land ….. and yet determined! We talked much of what could be achieved and how best to do so, and with some additions to her equipment and the gods’ kindly blessings, I had the pleasure of seeing her progress and train: Also a man with pleasing manners and a bright sunny disposition. Similar help and similar progress - the gods be praised. I remember well the frustrations of the sewers - that seemingly never ending plague of rats. Once they saw that they could attack the mercenaries with help and even later on in the day make inroads to the plains and the forest, I believe they went to their respective rests happy and fulfilled.

I also spent some times in the mines. Those creatures of rock and stone are powerful indeed: It took all my strength and screwed up courage to face them. But I found I faced them now armed with something beautiful and inspiring and I faced them eyes wide open, a look of determination on my face. When he awoke I made my way to the inn for I needed to pass on Jake’s funds as he had asked me to. It was good to see old friends’ faces there. Skylsganin, looking happier than he has of late, Urkki being - well Urkki! And then he came. He smiled and was at ease with everyone - my insides turned to butter! I felt as a girl being presented for the first time to watching eyes. My words seemed to come out of my mouth quite beyond my control. Once I had handed over the funds I made my excuses and ran - there was someone needing my aid - I wonder if by chance or by the gods’ design - much the same thing!

I returned feeling calmer - Skyls was acting rather strangely and kept smirking at me - and the initiate I had seen earlier in the day asked to speak to me in the North room. I followed her there with some curiosity I confess for she seemed to have a pressing question. When she asked me how I felt about Skyls I was dumb struck for a few moments and having reassured her as she went to rest that we had been friends for many years and I confess that I laughed until my sides hurt! If she only knew the truth!

Then the first terrible news from the crier came - Fartown was being attacked! I looked at him and left immediately. It was duty to my gods and the people calling and we both know that will always be our path. I knew I could only heal, but I will always move mountains to be there to do that and allow those that can fight to do so. Happily all was over very quickly - there was some healing to do, not much, and all demons were quelled. The gods watched over those in battle - their names be praised!

Wandering the mountain pass back to Dundee my heart was stopped as we suddenly met on the road: He coming to me and I to him. He was concerned to make sure I was not hurt and to ask me if I were alright - I felt that strange sweet feeling - it was deeply moving. I cannot explain why. No-one has ever asked me that before. If I had any doubts they were gone as I looked at that dear face. There were bears on the road - peaceful enough, but dangerous as ever and he was keen to move on to safety - we travelled to the hermit’s hut. I felt shy and awkward there - we spoke in whispers. I had great need to see him and talk of something that has been growing for some time and come to the fore since….we have been together. (How that phrase brings joy to my heart!. There was not the place and we moved to Fartown together, hand in hand, and climbed the watchtower.

I took off my armour and placed down my weapons in the place of safety in view of the distant doors of Altitan high in the mountains. Finally I could place my arms about him. Overwhelming relief. And as sweet as the first time. How my heart soared. Yet I knew there were things to say that would be painful.

We talked - I found it difficult to begin. He needed to know where I came from - who I was. I am not that person now, but a previous life that seems to matter suddenly. His upbringing was …..perhaps lonely….but educated and pious. He came to the land by design and with honour. The same can not be said of me. Before I could say much - the crier’s words again! This time Altitan. I knew he must and told him he must go - he was already on his feet. Such a feeling of pride as he stood there - a vision of protector and defender. And fear - he was going to fight with all the risk and danger that involves. When he went I stayed. My eyes trained upon the horizon with those dim distant doors in that high place mocking me. I knew that he was somewhere below there in the mountains. Possibly wounded, possibly hurting…… endless possibilities.

Yet, after an age, he returned safe and with news that Altitan was safe. The gods be praised! The happiness was overwhelming - the thanks to the gods overwhelming. The sight of him fresh from battle…….more than overwhelming.

We continued our talk. I explained many things as he sat there next to me in silence - letting me run on: My head on his shoulder - his hand stroking my hair as I talked. If there is any greater joy than this I pray the gods will give me strength to bear it - for I feel as a flower tight in bud that is suddenly opening gently to soak up Sunrifter. It could become a consuming fire - well I would gladly endure it! If only the things I had to say were as palatable. But he listened and was gentle - and said that was who I was once, in name, but that who I am now is here - in Valorn. It made no difference to him. This is the man I have grown to love. The man I see before me. Such a man.

And then I told him the most painful part. I have to go back. I have to go back and let them see that I am not worthless - I will wear my robes and blessed ring and go back - a cleric of Valorn, dressed in Cory’s robes and carrying the blessings of Ben and Cory with me. I am not to be vilified and cast out as I was. And I want the man who sired me to see what I am become despite his disgrace. It is a long journey. I will be gone…many days. Weeks. Even months.

We talked of something else too - though I may be far removed from my homelands - and am thankful for it - the ways and customs are hard to leave behind. There is one in the land I call father in my heart - and he must be asked for his blessing. He will speak to him while I am gone. I have a nervous fear in my heart - what if he should consider the matter and have doubts as to the sensibility of it? Yet it must be done.

As we parted - I felt sorrow and joy intermingled. Sorrow at parting of course - but joy as my heart and soul knows now there is no doubt - I have not imagined things. They are gloriously true.

My life is full and I dedicate it to the gods, the Queen, and him.

So I embark on this great journey - I shall miss the lands, my guildmates and him desperately - but my heart is light and my gods are with me. What more does one soul need?

My gods - great gods - generous and kind gods - have blessed me indeed!

I walk a wide path - a strong path - a path that may be strewn with many hazards, that may not alway be the shortest route - but I do not tread it alone!

I walk in strength.
I walk in light.
I have a staff to lean upon.
I may clear the way with my feet.
I have a friend.
I have a brother.
I have a passion.
I have vision.
I have inspiration.
I have respect.
I have hope.
I have love.

And by some unknown miracle, by the grace of the gods, I have him!

Yesterday was…. strange. I discovered I could fight with - not ease - but some success in the mines. That was good of course - the trainer has done his work again with skill and patience. Richard was frustrated with me - I felt it. He came and found me down there and insisted on fighting a safe path out and was clearly disappointed in my seeming inability to pay heed to his advice. Not strong enough, he said. Not wearing the correct armour. But there is so much rushing around my head - I wanted to fight dangerously, gain experience. I confess I frightened myself in my recklessness. This strange abandon was almost not me. Foolish in writing letters too - words that long to be spoken but perhaps should not have been.

Richard advised me to stick to the mountain paths - I swear I did not hear him say lower, though I know if he says he did, he did: Another example of my not paying enough attention. I went straight to the upper passes and fought with a greater mountain bear and was sorely wounded. The gods saw fit to take me then back to the life monument where I had some time to recoup and rethink. Yet though I knew it may not be sensible, I made for the same pass. My rapier was as a godly smiting as it bit into the creatures there - the fight was exhausting as I made my way to those great stone gates again - I had to see them once more. Altitan! What secrets lie behind those doors…?

As I made my way again from the gates onwards through the path, Richard appeared. He was irritated, almost angry. He asked me if I had not heard his instructions. I became ungratefully angry myself - not, of course, at Richard, but at everything around me: Angry at myself for allowing myself to come and fight creatures too strong for me and ill-equipped. Even at one who has no blame to bear and cannot even know their part in the confusion in my soul. That was a fleeting moment. It has gone and so it should. He had followed my tracks and found the site of the battle I had lost. He knows me well enough to know I would return.

Standing in that high place, I let out a scream. I have never done such a thing - it felt good. It was a long, loud, peace-shattering scream. I heard it echo all around us. Richard, as only he could, appraised it and pronounced it as not bad. The tension was gone and we are as we ever were. Imagine doing something so stupid as to take offence at a brother who is only looking out for you? Gently he asked if I would please now come down. In truth it was time. I had not a great deal of strength to continue, and a pack full of items for initiates taken from the gremlins earlier in the day. I gladly made my way back to Dundee and having spent some happy marcs in conversation and cleaning my blade I was ready to seek out those needing help.

It was not long then before I was in the sewers giving healing and blessings where I could and off-loading items to those not well-equipped. Then I heard news that he was awake and I sent a message saying I wished to speak to him. As soon as I had I wished I had not. I wished to see him, of course, but did I dare speak the words that needed saying? As he appeared he seemed glad to find me engaged with helping initiates who needed it. As he would be - generous, kind and with a longing to see people do well. The words would not form - I tried - but I just felt a terror creeping up on me. It cannot be long…. Looking back it was almost comical. So many people rushing past us and trying to keep up with the healing of them! And then it was time for him to rest. He leaned and whispered to me that he must return to his refuge and that the conversation would continue……. His voice went through me like fire and as his ultimate weapon rose up I felt hopefully bereft. The gods be thanked for this brief and unexpected meeting. Show me my path! I know it for myself - but need you to show me!

So after a strange day, stranger dreams. I seemed to be in a place devoid of all colour and form. Pure white - but rather from a lack of colour than being white itself. Light so bright I could not see through it. I lay there stripped to bare bone and skin and could almost, it seemed, see through myself. I could see the heart and lungs and liver - the functioning mortal body. Then there was a face - it smiled - said comforting words that I cannot remember and a cloak was laid over me. Then the light, though still bright, dimmed enough to show me where I was, and it was their dearest face. Their hand outstretched lay upon my brow and their soft voice urged me to sleep.

Sleep I did.

Strange what thoughts come over me as I awake - they are.......disturbingly good. The feelings I have for my gods... are not now unique. The feelings I have for my gods are as strong as ever and yet somehow accentuated and heightened by other thoughts - does this mean I am doubly blessed? Or does this mean I will be ..... I do not wish to fall from the precipice my path now follows. I must keep my eyes straight ahead and not look down - but to deny what my eyes think they see in the pale distance would be to allow a gust of wind to push me over. It is becoming more difficult to try and keep things inside and I confess, the pale image becomes much clearer of late...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The light in these eyes is a reflection from his soul that bursts through those windows with frightening and complete beauty.

The fire from this blade is fuelled by his passion for what is right and good and burns more brightly somehow when that name is near.

This path that my feet follow is made of firm stones carefully placed - one for every word that has been spoken to me by a voice I long to hear.

This thirst in my mouth is my thirst for knowledge - the knowledge of the secrets and hopes and dreams of one so dear: I would drink deeply of that cup and never have my fill.

The hunger in my belly is the craving for the nourishment that the sight of only one face can bring.

The song in my throat is one snatched from the memory of far off places.

The peace that I feel radiates from the kindness and companionship of one I do not deserve, but still take with grateful abandon.

The joy in my heart - and the yearning there are mine to know: The relief in another's knowing would be great, but my heart fears the danger that lies there.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Live. Feel. Burn. Heal. Yearn. Hide. Understand. Fight. Love. Live.

Can I do all these things and not betray myself? - betray is the wrong word. I have, after all, admitted to myself where I see my path. Somehow to put that thought onto these pages would be an admission too far. Be careful what you wish for, my mother once said, it might come true.

I wish...I wish....I wish.....

Another day, and another, and another.

Strange how we fall so easily back into our lives. There have been many long marcs since I saw him - but none since he entered my thoughts and brought with him a smile and new purpose.

I wish I could have shared the last visit to the trainer with him, but it was not to be. His life is so full of things he must - and loves to - do. That is good and I do not begrudge it. I should think myself lucky to have been some small part of things.

I was pleased to help the initiates I met with recently. It was a strange feeling though - I almost felt as though it was being done with him or even through him.

That did feel good. It gave peace and happiness to me that I have only felt in Iscax before.

Is my path four feet wide?

By the gods I hope so....